i don't know how i really feel by now~

*sigh*
because of too much pretension,
and the absence of a private place..
i haven't released all my stress, pain and worries.
i haven't had time to reflect on my life since i-don't-know-when.
i can't even tell when i am really happy or what.
i really did what i promised him myself.

i remember when i said:
"and from now on
i am to put up my biggest face of lies--
to show no care, no feelings, no love.."

i did it. i am doing it~
but i'm not sure if i'm happy that i did what i promised.
coz i don't know how i'm really feeling right now.
it's like i have given myself layers and layers of masks.
a happy mask, a strong mask--

but underneath it all, i am sure i am in pain.
but i guess i've been swimming in my own blood for so long
i have grown to be numb.

*currently playing on my background: before i let you go*
DAMN~


PS: imma have to cut this for now.
i have to go to that nude session i was talking about on my last post.

don't strip, i'm SO not yet ready for this~

HONESTLY, i'm so not ready..
**before you all guys start thinking of something else,
imma clear it all out for you guys..

i am referring to my upcoming nude session for anatomy class.
and our model will be male this 25jan & a female model on feb1st

*DAMN~
so not ready, really xP

my friends said i should start watching porn.
or atleast try looking for nude anatomy pictures
so i get used to seeing one. *eep~

OH NO~
my innocence is being stripped away from me.
i can't let this happen--but i've got no choice.

what am i to do?
how am i supposed to draw a naked body
if i can't even imagine how i'll look and study his features?
oh* i'm so weak.

i don't want my brains be corrupted but
i have to prepare. but how? it's too late.