f v c k y o u a n x i e t y

i honestly don't know how m'gonna go about this.

but m'just gonna let the words flow while m'still able to write.

i've been a sad kid growing up.

that is an understatement. BUT. i've learned to live with it.

how to function and go about life.

i've learned to appreciate the simple joys of life.

depressed.

but still hopeful.

but march of this year. i had an anxiety attack.

i didn't know that it was that.

and come half of the year. it started to occur more and more.

these days. it's paralyzing.

i can't function. i can't think straight. i can't sit still.

i can't breathe.

at first it was pain from the past that triggered it.

now it's just happens out of nothing.

WHICH IS STUPID.

because since the year came in..

i've wished and prayed for nothing but to be better.

and feel better. and do better.

but this anxiety is just crazy.

and i don't want to be drug dependent just to stay calm

i know it works for most but i feel like it's just a topical treatment.

like a band aid solution.

i believe that the root cause must be targeted and resolved

for me to achieve peace. in my mind. in my heart.

see how m'so aware of this?

and yet when it happens i lost all my sh*t.

that's why i say it's stupid.

this is not me.

and this is not how the rest of my life is going to be.

so FVCK YOU ANXIETY.

m'gonna be fvcking better sooner or later.

turns two 5's into 1

i miss how

1 1 2 2 1 1 1 1

makes our ten into one.

h o m e

this is where i live.

but this is not my home.

it took me a while

sorry.

but i didnt have the strength to write.

to move. but i was trying. constantly trying.

anxiety. i had plenty of panic attacks.

now.

m'doing things anew.

but still i long for you.

i miss you, j.

sorry i took me a while to write.

hey J

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

i miss you.

consistent being a failure

have you ever felt that

you are consistently failing..

at almost everything?

that's what it's like for me.

i try so hard to do good..

and then all the rest falls apart.

i feel like m'always a failure.

in almost everything.

i fail myself.

m'a failure as a catmother.

m'a big failure.

that.. sometimes..

 i wonder..

why do i still even try~

two weeks.. too weak.

day 14:

it's been two weeks.

and i just miss you even more.

bleeding. literally. figuratively.

maybe people are right.

m'too emotional. too melancholic.

exhausting to be around.

but it hurts when people

make me feel that my feelings are invalid.

that m'not supposed to hurt.

m'not supposed to be feeling this and that.

i miss having to be able to pour on you.

amd then you'd explain and make me understand.

and reassure me that it's ocake to be unocake.

m'too weak.

and it feels like no matter how hard i try.

m'not going anywhere.

that m'not getting any better.

and i miss when i tell you my pains.

and you remind me to take it slow.

to do things at my own pace and that it'll be okay.

i miss you j.

i miss my best friend.

uneventful in bed

was suffering from headache last mornight

and slept through almost the entire day.

add the fact that m'suffering because of dysmenorhea

so yea..m'basically bedridden.

i did nothing but attempt to paint

and get through another day.

i miss. so bad. 

day13.

early meetings and pouring rain

today is another day to try again at life.

a friend and i attended a client meeting at laguna

and checked out the site.

a new challenge. 

and accepting it with open arms.

we really do hope we get the job.

we got back to early so we decided to walk.

we then hurried under pouring rain

to meet our the last third of our trio.

we started roughly planning in a cafe.

as she ate her mini lunch

and i kept on my project, scribbling away.

i miss sharing these baby steps in life with you.

i miss sharing things with you.

i miss L I F E with you.

i can't say m'odoing well. but m'moving, i guess.

everyday is another try again.

but i really do miss you.

i really do.

1 and 1 is 2

11th.

the day went by as i slumber deep.

i was with him in my dreams,

i didn't want to leave.

it was already past 3 when i got off the bed.

everything was quiet and dark,

the street's electricity was dead.

it was the power line sparking again.

and right when it sanked in to me,

i started having a panic attack just like then.

i can feel it kicking in slowly,

my heart was pounding out of my chest.

i didn't know what to do with myself.

i wanted to run to him.

i wanted to be in my safe place.

but i couldn't..

and  i don't know if i could..

i forced myself to pray.

and let all the tears run down in my bow.

after which i was calm.

but.. a few hours later,

here it was again. storming in my head.

my depression kicking me this time.

this time it's not of him.

but the feeling of never have done anything right.

of all the efforts i try, it's never nough.

maybe m'never enough..

and i wanted  to be in my safe place.

2 hits in one day..

i don't know what else can i do..

i feel like m'just floating everyday..

tumble and dry

it was my first time to go to a laundry place.

we all needed to do our laundry,

& the weather hasn't been cooperative for days now.

i told myself m'gonna get some drawings done;

bringing along with me my notebooks and pencil case.

i didn't know that it wouldn't take too long.

needless to say, i kind of enjoyed watching my clothes

go tumble in the wash. tumble again, and dry.

i wanted to share my experience with him.

but m'too afraid too be rejected yet again.

so i just watched them all tumble.

and today is day 10.

9th.

i saw you shared a video.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S. you love that show.

i was contemplating if i should play it.

but i miss you dearly.. so i did.

and i listened to it intently,

like you said last march. to listen to it carefully.

and so i did. this time with unbiased ears.

i didnt cry. but..

i missed you more.

you are my bestest friend of all.

i missed you even more.

ps. i now own the uke.

mia was selling it yestersay. i told her not to.

but i was surprised to see it on her timeline.

i tried to scare them all away.

 but she insisted she needwd the money.

in the end, tita ella bought it for me.

that's nice depsite me being bad at it.

momentary happiness, as always

i was happy earlier.

can't be sure how deep it ran inside me,

but i was.

you see..

my nbi clearance showed clear.

no more hit.

remember a year and a month ago?

i felt so bad that i had a hit.

and they said someone has my name.

i really felt bad that time.

well, it showed clear now.

so, it's good. made me feel good.

add the fact that i had a decent photo,

wherein i didn't look like a criminal.

(which is rare..  this must be a first)

and as the sun set, m'like..

i wish i could share it to you first.

i always wanted to share these things to you first.

i miss you je ro me.

day 7: try again.

 i woke up to prolonged chest pains

and numbing of my arms, legs and feet

yet again.

it's day 7.

seven days since i last heard from you.

i try hard not to replay yer words

and in my head.

i try hard not to bother you

in this solitude you've asked for.

but i yearn for yer warmth.

i stayed in bed as i wait for everything to subside.

and until i find the will to try again.

ps. i miss you. 

you know where to find me, right?

mornings are more difficult

day 6: and mornings have become more difficult than ever.

i may have exhausted all my fake happy yesterday.

coz my body is feeling sore and numb in most parts when i woke up today.

i wonder if it gets easier..

today is yet another attempt to do something in life.

m'moving about. but m'not moving on.

i got busy

day 5: i got busy.

it was yet another meeting;

accompanying a friend who refered me to this job.

she was broken too.

we were both broken.. breaking.

but we try so hard to push through.

we both needed this day off.

feeling useless

months ago

i told myself m'gonna push myself harder.

and look at me now?

more useless than ever..

it feels like m'back to zero.

that all the efforts i've done for myself

have all been but a waste.

and this is day 4.

being and feeling useless.

h o w ?

day 3: how do i get through another day without you?

#heyJ ..how?

how do i get through another day without you?

it's so hard and painful. 

tbh, i dont want to learn how to..

why can't we start it over..?

why can't we just try again..?

i want to respect yer needs,

and m'really trying so hard.

m'trying really hard because i love you.

but it's so fvcking hard.

m'just breaking apart even more..

but i'll still try..

day 3..

day 2

numb and pain.

numb and pain.

it baffles me how one can feel so much pain

and feel so numb at the same time.

how?

today

 today i was planning to see you.

and gift you the ORANGE book.

but, the day has just started..

and you've decided to cut me out of yer life.

so today..

today is the day i die.

not this time. not on you.

i've already given up on so many things.

i've given up on myself one too many times.

but m'not giving up this time.

not on you. not on the only happiness i knew.

i am alone. the lonely kind of alone.

i guess.. i am surrounded by people.

but despite them all.. i feel so alone.

the lonely kind of alone..

r e b u i l d

i know now..
and though it took me a long time to digest it,
i know now.

you were right.
we can never go back to who we were before;
to the us that we were before.

took me a whole lot time,
and a whole lot more of tears.
but i know now.

it's sad we didn't make the 2190 days.
but m'glad i still have you.
and i hope you feel the same way too.

at times, i wish things were different.
at times, i wish we were still the same.
but i know now.

but m'hopeful.
you said to be hopeful.
and that's the only thing that keeps me going..

hope.

i hope.

that even after this great fall that we both took.
that even after all the tears we both shed,
and all the pains we both endured.

i hope.
that we can still rebuild.

i don't want a love like theirs (or whoever's)

i just want our love. you and i. us.

for always and forever.

b e t t e r

i know you deserve someone better.

so i'll do my best to be better.

2 0 1 7 wasn't ours

i wish it has gone differently,
i wish for so many things to have gone differently.
but i know i can never change what has already happened.

sometimes, i regret it so bad.
the things that i could have done differently.
and maybe i'd still be sleeping in yer embrace.

sometimes, i can't help but blame myself..
if i did things differently, maybe i wouldn't be suffering
from the what if's that flood when m'being quiet in my head.






we didn't make it to our 2190 days.