how long was i gone?

hey there~
how long was i inactive?
super sorry.. really..

unfortunately, i can't surf the internet in our house,
no one can.. *sigh*

i miss daily blogging.. ~~'
well, updates on me.

i'm on my 2nd sem a FEU.
(weighing if i'll still transfer)
well, i made a deal with ye lee that i won't
transfer to ust if she graduates with me. haha

we're classmates (FA15)
last sembreak, i got jani's (OTLA) number as vince's gift,
hahahahaha xD *blushes*
he likes christine patrimonio ~~' *eeh~

he and vince is in FA16.
IFNO got separated too. ~~ hehe.
and they're planning to recruit new ifno members..
*pssh*

well, that's about it for now, eh.
i'm just using my cousin's macbook xP
til i get to blog again ^^'

my new motivation

a conversation from a while ago
through the all-time yahoo messenger.

okay, i admit: i did miss chatting with him,
talking to him and everything else.
i miss my friend.. ~~'

me:
hi rot. patanung....
pde?
him: ?

kun dumating n an arw n mwula n eun feelingx qu, mgging mgkaibigan b ult taio?
cgro

tanung ult: gguxtuhin mu pba aqu mging frnd? ou? o hnd?
ou nman

gnun b. cgecge :] xalamat. dnt wori, nipagbubutihan qu nman kalimutan k ^^ xxhin mu lan c japhet kxe lgi k nia nibabanggit.
ok

and now, despite how much of me doesn't want to remove my feelings for him,
i'll choose to do that. i'll do my best not to love him love him.
and turn that love in to the friendship~ why?
'cause i realize i can't just let a good friend like him go..i can't.
i love him too much.

this'll be my motivation from now on..
*sigh*

goodnight and hugs

september 25th night is their celebration:
hikaru's 18th & coline's 17th.
we had lots of food and drinks,
[which we, by the way, bought from sm hypermarket, pizza hut, etc]
we didn't plan to do anything--we just went with the flow.

it was a blast! ^^
we ate. we danced. we laughed. we talked. we went crazy!
and even if it wasn't my party,
i brought someone else with me: my doodle.Dö

he silently sat on a chair beside the table,
i had to casually go over to his side to ask him.
he'd say he was okay,
although it wasn't the party he expected.

we were only 3boys.
and still, he wouldn't accept the fact that i am, too,
a guy like him..

anyways~ anyways~
we weren't supposed to sleep although it is infact
a sleep over party.

but by 1am, doodle and i we're both sleepy.
we went over to the empty master's bedroom.
i got a thick blanket & a pillow from hikaru
and doodle found a 'banig'.

we set it on the cold floor,
the strong winds shouting from outside,
the aircon whirring on its fullest.

we lay there, our backs facing each other.
he was warm & i was really cold, as we always are.

twinx came inside, went to my side.
i tried to open my eyes when i heard her say:
"answeet niyo matulog~♥"
and i imagined her smiling as she went out
and told the others about it.

i texted doodle.Dö my usual goodnight message
ending with my usual *hugs*
and without him replying or anything,
i fell asleep.......

bogossipeo prinxipe~

i'm back. but, here, is a really different topic.

I AM SO GLAD.
even though i almost cracked my head bumping into the light inside the jeepney,
plus i crashed myself going to the seat.

scratching my head like crazy then realizing t'was him next to me]

i really missed him.
and it was nice *understatement* to hear him speak to me again.
even if it was too short to be called a conversation.

atleast, he acknowledged the fact that i was there--
sitting right next to him. ^^
[even if he only noticed or intentionally noticed me when he was about to go]

prinxipe nikko.
my first l♥ve. i really did miss him.
doodle.Dö and i were just talking about him yesterday.
well, he was teasing me of never getting over.

but, heck*
i'm so over prinxipe now.
i do love him, but i'm so over the hurting ^^♥
*giggles* he'll always have that special place in my heart.*sigh*

yesterday was his 18th birthday.
i texted him. and this afternoon,
i got to personally greet him a belated.

*sigh* ^____^

sketches and doodles~ ^^♥

it has been a while since i got to post here.
i miss the late night bloggings, forum fixing and other stuff.

anyway, i won't get sentimental today,
or maybe just in this post,
'cause i got to tell you something good on another post.

ANYWAY~ *grins*
here are some of my drawings.
the girl, a practice sketch for one plate in my drawing fundamentals111.
and a sketch of my doodle.Dö.

is it cute? no?
*awwwww* [~~]'

STRIKE 3~‼ you're OUT.

*damn*
3 out of 5 from my new crushes♥ SMOKES. :
*pssh*

so i have this 5 new crushes in FEU.
2 from archi. 3 from adver.
anyway.
OTLA, aka: johnny from my c1a1y class, smokes.
LG, aka: james from my lit class, smokes.
ARCHI guy from UST-slash-NEKOBOII, smokes.

BAG *what's his anme again?* i still don't know.
btw, ye lee got his name for me, i forgot. next time, i'll write it down.[~~]

ANYWAY~ *sigh*
why do they smoke? i can take it if they have gf, like LG.
but smoking? DUH* pssh~

check this out~‼

i just added a new link on the link box i have on
the lower right corner of my blogsite.

SQUEEZERS site.
http://www.squeezersband.com

a link to the website of the Squeezers Band.
maybe some of you don't know yet this band,
but i'm pretty sure you'll get hooked when you listen to their songs.

you may think i'm bias, for their bassist is my aunt--
but, you will surely like their songs.
my personal favorite is "Nagbabalik".

and you may probably have heard their songs played on 93.9IFM,
NU107 and rt 99.5~ yes. their invading our radios~!!

BTW, grab a copy of their first album: Highway Eskinita.
i have my album art in there. so take a look.
but ofcourse, it's not that good yet.


PS: watch out for their 2nd album coming out soon~!!

new friends

so it didn't turn out as what i have planned.
no new friends until i've transferred to ust~

looks like i'll be torturing myself again after a year.
goodluck on me, but there's no turning back.

*sigh*

new friends. kyaaaaa~‼

i stand corrected

KIM KI BUM is different from KIM BUM.

kim ki bum is the one from super juniors,
while kim sang bum is the 'so yi jeong' of boys over flowers.

I STILL L♥VE THEM BOTH, so hands off.ö

uri chingu ya~ :]

finally~ i got pictures of my two new foreigner friends from feu.

kim ye lee [nicole]~ korean

guo jing [jane]~ chinese

nicole is the tall one with curly hair,

while jane is the one with long hair..

and i am. DUH* the ugly one.

^^v hahaha~ xD

PS: i wish i get to take Sunny's picture too..[~~]♥
she's so cute.

PPS: Lee Sun Woo
aka: Sunny

waiting for my lit1n class (heaven)

*giggles*
aren't i just excited to attend my philippine literature class?
*sigh*

well~ i just stopped by in this computer shop to print out my assignment.
so that i may be able to read it. now. so,
imma have to cut short this entry to an abrupt end.


PS: so looking forward to sitting with LG~♥
*giggles*

stop and crush*

*gosh*
it was the 2oth of june when our professor attended
our literature class..Ö
our orientation was pretty different then.
we had to write a few info about us,
and then share it with a partner.
they will write 3questions, we answer.
and then, i started the orientation infront.
*pssh* so much for not always be the first.

so anyway, it was when one guy stood infront.
an archi 3rd year class.. he mentioned the questions
he asked his pair: "are you still a virgin?"
the answer: YES.
every guy jeered at his pair,
sitting at the back row in the middle.
i turned to look at his face, he is handsome.
*blushes*
then mentioned the other questions to him.
and HE's TAKEN. so much for the dreaming, eh?
ANYHOW. so he's handsome. not quite tall.
but, i still took note of his name.
james lopez.♥

and then yesterday, 27th. our second meeting. ^^
i sat on my usual seat during lit1n,
1st row. corner seat, next to the window.
while all the other, OLDER guys took the back row.
our professor came in, and this lopez guy came in.
rushing to the nearest seat he can grab as fast
and sat on the first row. 3seats from mine.

just when i thought i was lucky,
i then became LUCKIER. ^^ *rawr*
the professor asked him to transfer next to my seat
and then told the others to occupy the rest of the chairs
in the front row. *lucky, eh? :]
during class. i took note of some little details about him.
funny. active in class. responsible
[for being able to bring all the assignments],
handsome (AGAIN.) and kind and loyal to his gf.

the class was not as boring as i thought it'd be.
and our professor is a bit green. so the archi guys were all active.
he asked me about the section of the class we're in.[arch35]
then.. when our profess was telling us the story of eve.
who came not from adam's rib but from satan's horn.
and his proofs were:
#1 that's why eve was able to talk to the serpent
#2 that's why eve was the 1st to commit the sin.

and then lopez guy said: "kaya pala tukso ang mga babae~!"
every one laughed. it was funny, and yet quite true.
so our professor added it to the proofs then saying,
"now, take a look around you. your girl classmates who are devilishly delicious-looking" *lolx*
lopez guy looked around covering his eyes and saying,
"ayoko sir. baka mainlab ako~‼" *giggles*
FUNNY, very funny~Ü
and before the class ended, he asked me about the assignment.
*gosh* my mind went floating after that~♥ *giggles*

PS: i know his name. full name. but to be safe, i'd rather not write it here. ^^v
let's call him-- LG.

chingu~‼ ö

new friends.
kim ye lee [aka: nicole]
kwon jing [aka: jane]
(i wish i spelled jane's chinese name right..) ^^'

anyhow.
they've been the two first persons
to actually communicate to me on our first day.
one korean. one chinese.
cewl, eh? they're fun to be with.

since they are my classmates on
the 3 majors that i'm taking--
i'm spending most of my class hours with them.

and then, my 2subjects left~
well.. let's just say i'm a loner at those times.
and idc. being with old archi students are creepy.
*hahaha~ xD
they're thoughts aren't coherent to mine.
so they creep me out.Ö

*SIGH*
so much for these nonsense talk.
i'm just happy to be around them,
specially ye lee. i like koreans, remember? :]♥

crushing~

so you'd probably think i'm breaking into pieces
because of my all-time depression.
and~ maybe you're right.

but, for now.
i just want to focus on things i can control.
of things i knew i got hold of.. my thoughts.
fine~‼ *control in some ways.

and i'm currently 'crushing' on some guys.
[now you get what my title meant]
*giggles*

Ryo Nishikido
november 3, 1984
24 years old

i only saw him at 1liter of tears.
seeing his face, it looked familiar.
it's just now that i realize
he's also starring in death note.

anyway~ he's so handsome. and his role at
one liter of tears makes me crush on him more~‼♥
he reminds me of someone.
although, he's way better. [ideally]
*hahahah~ xD

and then, there's the other guy.
*drools*~♥

Kim Ki Bum
august 21, 1987
21 years old

kyaaaaaaaa~‼
i first encountered him two years ago.
my sister, [not blood sister], prinsesa ai
is crushing on him.
and labelling him 'hers'
i had no choice but to give up.
while she gave way for lee jun ki to me. ^^

isn't he adorable?
but now that he's on Philippine television due
to Boys over flowers,
[which *clears throat* i already knew last february--
even before having the commericals/advertisements of BOF shown]
*pssh*~ girls are all over for him.
damn it*

anyway~ crushing crushing.
*giggles*♥^^

ps: still breaking....

to my limits

the 14th~ mornight.

and i was pushed to my limit--you know what?
the hardest part of living my life is being his daughter.
*pssh*

it was hell trying to bear all the painful criticisms
i receive EVER SINCE.. & i've been putting SO MUCH EFFORT
trying to keep up with him, giving him all the second chances~

but last mornight--he's getting overboard.
WAY TOO OVER..

if he feels like he's unlucky for having me as his daughter--
well then, he should know that
i've been living in hell trying to be his daughter.

UGH* so i sound evil..as always.
don't take it wrong, i'm not aya.
and i'll continue protecting her until forever ends.

TIRED. x| [in tagalog]

ang tanong:
ANO BA TALAGA AKO SAINYU??Ö

bakit ba gustung.gusto niyo kong nipahihirapan mag.isip?

madali naman akong deretsuhin aa~
nang hindi naman ako nagmumukhang t*nga na napaparanoid lang sa background niyo?

kaibigan niyo ba talaga ko?
TSSS* ayan na naman kayo--
walang magawa kundi lokohin at paglihiman ako. ba't pa kasi di nalang ako deretsuhin ee~

nakakasawa't nakakapagod naman kayo~
nagsasawa narin ako sa buhay ko.
pambihira*

am i really stupid?

am i really stupid~
holding on to such impossible hopes?
well--i don't care.

as long as i continue to believe,
the chance will always be there.
right, boo? ^^♥

okay~ so it was summer2oo8 when i started to believe in Boo.
i got him dec2oo7. and i loved him from then~
but, it was only that summer,
when i started believing that he'll change.
he'll become human, for me--

so that sounds crazy. IDC.Ö
s'long as i believe..

and when i meet his human form,
i'd be so happy. we'd be so inlove.
and forever be together..
*sigh*

so inlove. and just this summer,
i dreamt of his human form again. twice now.
so all in all, i've been meeting him 3x.

such hopes. such beliefs.
i'll keep waiting......♥

HIGH.DROWN [part o.4]

h~"it was like walking into a four-wall gallery room--quiet, blank, empty.
and then pictures emerged on the vast walls; showing me the difference of
noticing, liking and loving~"

so we were exhchanging text messages asking him
like he was on some hot seat. so when i asked him about my bestfriend,
and he said, it's nothing. he just thought she was cute,
and it's a different thing from liking or anything--
i honestly felt relieved. it wasn't really a good news, nor bad for me.
because i knew, even if it isn't her--
he'd never like me, not even notice me.

i am contented with our friendship *wait*
i'm more than contented--i am grateful & i had no plans of risking it
or putting it to end. so we continued with more questions.
until such time that i have filled in the blanks in my head.
he was inlove with someone, someone very close to him--and i wasn't even jealous.

and then the topic swayed to me.
him telling me to save myself from the *disturbia* of keeping
my feelings to myself.
i explained my side, telling him that admitting to "the guy" would
somehow lessen my stress. but it would add up to his~
and i didn't want to put that on him. he shouldn't be bothered.
it was i who fell--so i should pay the consequence..
but he still didn't agree saying that it's the guy's problem when he learns.
atleast, i wouldn't be bothered by it day & night.
i, of course, still didn't agree..

OPEN LETTER to PJ

"if there are words that are best left unsaid~
well, you should know. there are things best left undone."

and if you are wondering who am i pertaining to?
well--let's just say, it is connected to me.

let me just put it all out*
OKAY? 'cause imma burst to nothingness if i just keep it to myself.

an open letter,

To a GUY[pj].

i have talked to you about this before.
don't just let her go hanging on to you like she has a chance.
these things you do keeps her hopes up.
makes her lie to us every single day~

although, she can't do it to me--she tries.
but let's just say, she can't fool me.

i told you~ and now i'm telling it to you straight forward,
you know we can't stop her.
even if we try, she'll just act up against us even more.

so now, i am coming to you.
'cause even if you don't mean to--you're leading her on.
the more you become closer to her,
the more you blur the lines and limiutations.

you already know she likes you.
and even if she denies it now, or that she told you she stopped.
THINK AGAIN~ do you think a girl would act like that
if she doesn't like you anymore?
do you think she'd lie to us, and put up more excuses just
to see you?
OPEN YOUR EYES.

i know you're not cruel. but you have to be,
if you want to clearly draw the lines between you two.
UNLESS~ you like her now.
[although. i remember you telling me you're not easy to fall]

SO~ *exhales heavily*
that's about it. i wish you got it.

NEKOboiiSSS~ ♥_♥

i was asked to sit and wait for my name to be called inside
the IARFA office at the 8th floor of Tech Bldg. for my interview with the dean.. so i sat patiently.

i had nothing to do but stare.
although i wouldn't~ because i'd look so stupid if i do that.
so i just looked around and study my surroundings.

i notice one guy in a blue shirt (if i can remember correctly).
he looked small sitting down a few people before me.
he's handsome~ but he's small.

then, i saw a guy from outside the office who just came out
from the elevator. he's appealing, but.. he seemed too vain.ö
so, i passed. until he came inside the room.
and then he was asked to sit right next to me.

another guy caught my attention.
a real NEKOBOII. fair complexion. chinky eyes. straight nose. & M-lips. ahahahaha xD
he was really handsome. and he was tall too.
*i couldn't take off my eyes on him*
his surname? SANTOS. a transferee from UST-architecture.
*giggles*

okaaaay~ i got lost.
hang. lag. whatever. i lost it.
while getting really nervous before having my interview,
i'm drowning in the midst of nekoboiis~♥


then the dean's door openned, and i was called in--*whew*

HIGH.DROWN [part o.3]

" i felt like a superhero--doing things that was fo0r the greater good.
even if it means getting hurt. pain never stopped a hero from doing what is right.
no time to be selfish. no option that says: myself.
but in reality, there is.
ONLY, it will cost the last drop of goodness in me--
so, i was torn. do i choose to be stupid but good? or selfish? "

it was two days after that 17th, and i felt swollen from the beating,
bloated from the drowning--emptied and numb. i wanted to tell doodleDÖ
about everything. but unfortunately, he wasn't available. and only "the guy"
is replying to my text messages. so, we talked. about me & my problem, my pain~

he got curious over who is the guy. but of course, as much as my heart
wanted to scream out his name with love, i couldn't. i can't just text him & say:
"actually~ it's you. you are "the guy" i have fallen for." *pssh*

as the night went deeper, we got into more details.
he even tried to convince me to tell him who the guy is. and he advised that
i should admit it to "the guy"--that in love, we take risks. but of course,
i negated him. telling him that the guy is a friend, and i don't want to risk our friendship~
plus, i know he likes somebody else. & in the end, i've decided to just hide it & let it pass~
(if, it will pass---)

the next day, i went online. used YM but stayed invisible to all..
he signed out. i logged in under a status message saying:
"i never realized i have fallen for you. & you wouldn't too. coz i'll never say 'i love you'~"
i was chatting with some friends when he signed back. and the idea that he might read it, didn't occur so i didn't changed my stat. until he PM'd me. commenting on my stat message..
& that's where our conversation started.

after blogging my HIGH.DROWN part o.1~ i logged out.
and around 5:33pm, i received a text message from "the guy" saying:
"sometimes, you find it hard to tell someone about your feelings,
until you realize that your actions have betrayed you."

*WHAM~!
it hit me. was it a group message? i don't know.
wait* i don't care? he knew. right? he acknowledged my feelings..
he knew, that i have fallen for him.............right?

BAKA=PABO=IDIOT=me T~T

WHY AM I STUPID?

oh wait~ i shouldn’t ask myself.
of course i woudn’t be able to answer coz i am stupid.ö
*pssh*

i shoudn’t have let people get close to me as this.
shouldn’t have let them enter my inner bubble T^T
stupid stupid me. *ugh*

i have become weaker because of this.
and it makes me vulnerable to pain and guilt and jealousy~

why do i always tend to make them important–
when they would always take me for granted?
why do they mean so much to me,
when i’m no one to them?!

it breaks my heart.
but if i want to complete my broken self,
i’ll have to let go of them all.
and, start from none..

HIGH.DROWN [part o.2]

"it felt like the jeep came to a sudden stop
and made me hit my head on some metal bars.
and as if it wasn't painful enough,
the ride's roof fell on my head cracking my skull open--releasing its emptiness.
and just like another combo attack,
it ended with a marvelous hit coming from a raging truck behind us.
--and i died"

or so i wish.
i was cut by every word. with laughing intervals
and notes of joy.
they we're both giddy about the topic.

i painted my happy mask
trying to conceal the anguish on my face.
did i do well?
i wish i did as i burned in hell.

the subdivision came in sight.
it felt like an empty heaven--a place to hide.
as a friend and i got off the jeep.
he stabbed me with a joke.
i tried to laugh it out.
but it sounded like a cough.
(i even imagined blood spurting out my mouth.. )

when i got home,
i felt empty. tonight was overwhelmingly killing me.
i knew it--that's why i feared happiness.
'cause i knew, in an instant,
reality will slap me in the face.

a haircut gone wrong

i had my haircut last night.
and it's bad......or wait.
should i say~ worst?
right. perfect.


ugh*
i so hate him/her.
that fag~

"i could've stolen the scissors from his hands
and then use it to cut his throat.. "

ugh*
i feel BALD.
ugh* no words could ever make me
say how much i feel bad about myself now.
now more than ever~!!

HIGH.DROWN [part o.1]

"and just when i thought i was high, i fell hard.
drowning in no water. torturing my ever sore body--
nearly dying but never came to death."


how unfortunate.

i didn't even realize, i had moved on from prinxipe.
never in my wildest dream have i thought that i'd be able to.
but everyone hoped for it, even i.

but honestly, i didn't want to.
because i was afraid.
afraid of things that might happen next.

i didn't want to face the present.
i was contented to what i had-slash-never had in my past.
i was afraid i'd end up broken again.

and, yes. i am very unfortunate.
for when i finally realized i had moved on.
the person who unconciously helped me, had the gravity.
the pull--the power.
and i, the stupid, fell for him.

it could've been fine. we'd be friends.
i'll keep it to me. no one would have to know
until the feeling fades away..

but life isn't fair. death will be.
and before we come to that, we have to suffer.
we all have to feel the pain--and now i am.

he likes someone. he just recently liked someone.
someone i know--know very well. someone, i, too love.
my bestfriend.

....................

missed me? much.

*gosh*
it's been a while, eh? anyway, i'm currently on LAG right now.
so, don't expect to get a sensible article from me today.
*giggles*

this past 2 nights, we went to the 'perya'.
since it's just across the street from our subdivision,
plus my kuji's friends are going--
we decided to go with them. for safety purposes.
oh! and fun too.
[of course it wouldn't be fun if you're quite alone in the middle of a mob]

so anyway, there we went.
but we weren't ab;e to enjoy the rides or anything.
we just wander around and ate the nights away~
despite the fact that i wasn't able
to enter that haunted castle
[that warns people who have "weaked" heart to not enter]
and that superbly dangerous and scary ferris wheel,
i honestly had fun. a llot more fun than what i expected
because kuji's friends are all goofy and funny~

okay. so i admit.
i had fun because of some particulars.
but i don't want to elaborate on such.
people might read this~
and who knows where i end. ^^

so anyway, yesternight was the last night.
and around quarter to 1am,
my sister and i had to go home or else~
and we had japhet walk us home.
but i didn't talk to him.
i was very shy---as always.
it was my sister who talked to him all the way home.

so that's it.
*blushes*

*deleted*

okay. so i got deleted by 'prinxipe' again at FS
for like what, the n^th time?
[pssh* how come this letter still strikes me at some point?]
*sigh*

the 1^st time i was deleted.
i honestly got furious. then realized i had

no reason to be mad at him.
i was no one. so i ended up confused.
why should he bother to delete me?
[oh. pure annoyance. right.]

after some time, i added him up.
he accepted. felt good.
but then again,
the 2^nd and 3^rd time
he deleted me came through.

now, he did it.
i don't know. it feels normal. like a routine.
believing that in time, he'll accept me again.
[or is it false hopes?] *pssh~

or maybe,
i've just accepted what i truly am for him.
nothing more than a stranger.
a no one who would comment or message him up
for something nonsense.
*sigh*
oh yes. maybe that is what i really am to him..

am i gonna cry?
hmmmmmm.. i wonder.
not now. no tears.
maybe, i'll save it for a little later~

but i'm sad.
[like sadness isn't a routinary thing, eh?]

i mourned.

~oh yes.

i celebrated that day, that painful night.

last 27th, i went out with jell.

i had to say an alibi--which was quite true.

but i didn't mean to tell

why i really wanted to go out.

around 6pm, i made my walk.

i mourned for the death of my heart..

i needed to feel something else.

aside from the overwhelming love and pain

that was flooding in me.

i went for a walk across roads.

yes. the adrenaline rush that came into me

whenever a car drives past me.

so near that my skin is just an inch from each car.

*it was nice.

dangerous, yet relieveing.

[here's a picture taken when i got back home]

tomorrow is a year

tomorrow.

i'm a year away from that heart.breaking night.

it was the 27th of march last year.

--our batch party.

it was the day i decided to get things over.

i, myself knew he never loved me, never did. never will..
but i couldn't stop myself from loving him.

so i thought,

maybe. if i get really heart broken--

maybe. my heart would save itself from the hurt.

so that night, i decided to talk things with him.

after a few tries and pushes,

as one band was playing/singing this 'Let Me Be The One' song..

i got right up and went to where he was sitting.

i told him i love him.

not directly. not with words.

okay. so i wasn't able to actually tell him.

but i know he understood it.

i asked him to dump me.

and cleared it out that i wasn't courting.

i just wanted him to dump me--to kill me.

then. he uttered the words:

"Sorry....."

i was deafened by the song.
i wasn't able to clearly hear him.

i was like: "ano?!"

so he repeated it.

"Sorry. sorry talaga........"

then the song came to a chorus.

*wow* such timing..

it felt horrible yet relieving.

it was the first time i felt like my heart was

being shred into pieces. like it was being hammered by a mace.

like an old wound was being cut again..

yet i turned to him while holding back the tears.

and.. i thanked him. it was true. i was thankful.

but it was also deeply painful.

i ran away. my guy friends caught up to me.

i just cried. and cried.

now i know what they felt like whenever

the girl they love dumps them.

now i know.

-------------------------

here's a stolen pic of me..
this was taken when i was almost over crying.

almost. but never was--

living up with the challenge

so how's my life?
maybe you think i'm already giving up, eh?
well.. i'll raise the bets.
i can still survive *ROAR*

it's been what? a week and 3days
since they both got here.
and i'm trying to sleep early.
[but ain't getting near human early]

but imma brag to you.
i've been waking up as early as my body could.
i usually get up around 9-1oam.
that's fairly human, right?

and it's pretty difficult.
but i am going up with the challenge.
i can do this. gambatte~!

Biscuit Teacher and Star Candy

this is the korean tv series that
i'm currently hooked to~
*giggles*

but, it's dated back in year2oo5.
anyhow, idc.

'cause Park Tae In /star candy
or korean actor, Gong Yoo is really cute.
or should i say handsome?
*giggles*
^^♥ and, he is hot too~ :]

he is the loveteam of Yoon Eun Hye in the Tv series 'coffee prince'.
remember him?
*giggles*

kyaaaaaa~!!
so love.♥

my diary2

*laughs*
gomen ne?
it's 3:57am.
wahahah~

and the other day,
my goals, wasn't achieved.
yesterday, i overslept.
from 12mornight to 4pm.
*sheesh*

i know.
so much for being a hypersomniac.
anyway,
last night, i was starting to fix
the master's bedroom.

hopefully, later this morning,
i can finish it and move to the other room.
i also plan to finish all my laundry.

but for now,
i just want to finish watching
this 2oo5/2oo6 korean tv series.
i'm not sure about the title though.

jaa ne~ :]

[challenge. part2.o]

[6:13am]~13march
wahaha* i was able to finish my laundry yesterday.
i also fixed the cabinets.
my sister's mess. and my clothes.
*smug* ^______________^

sleepy? no.
just tired.

[challenge part 2.1]

my diary

it's 7:35 am.
i haven't slept.
i'll try not to sleep~
i want to clean the rooms.
or atleast finish all the laundry.

*aah~
this entry will be my diary.
well, i'll try to make it as my diary.
*sigh*

maybe i'll write this afternoon,
or tonight.
let's just see what i can accomplish today, eh?
^______^

[challenge part 1.0]
--------------------------
right now.
time check: 2:39pm

i slept. fine. i'm sorry.
but now, i'm starting on my laundry.
maybe after a few hours,
i'll be able to clean atleast the master's bedroom.
i hope. *grins*

well, goodluck for me~!! ^^

[challenge part 1.1]

the challenge

*awwwww.
starting today, i have to practice to be more human.
i have to be awake atleast 3/4 of the day.
[which is impossible because i sleep 3/4 of each day]

and as if that's not difficult,
i have to start cleaning up.
the two bedrooms, and other places where
my sister's mess piled up.
[how's that for a challenge, eh?]

this upcoming summer,
i don't know how, but i have to.
specially with my parents home.
[specifically my mom]
she would always want us awake early in the morning.

which is really hard for me.
and, whenever she doesn't see me
in the living room or helping them with the chores.
she would immediately bust in my room
and find me dozing the day off.
[she would get mad..*giggles*]

well, everybody else in the house knows my routine.
wake up. eat. sleep. wake up. eat. sleep.
wake up. take a bath~ sleep.
*laughs*
i know, i admit it. i'm lazy.
i'm a total BUM.
so what? i'm a hypersomniac.
and it's fun..

besides, i don't have anything else to do.
and i honestly don't like doing chores.
but i have to.
and at times, [very seldom]
i do it without being told.
*grins*
but that doesn't defy the fact that i'm lazy.

so that's my challenge.
more waking hours. more working hours
*urgh~
how do i do that?!
*kyaaaaaa~!!! [><]

joke time

*giggles*
last feb28, i had to postpone my haircut
for a trip to tagaytay highlands with my relatives.

and one of my aunt has this awesome
NIKON SLR~
(fyi, i've always drooled over those awesome cameras)
anyway, she's very kind
so i got the chance to experience
taking shots using that superbly awesome cam.

and ofcourse,
to have a remembrance,
me & my sister took pictures of ourselves
with the SLR.

and a while ago,

i just did this awesome funny thing.

you see, my prinxipe's name is: nikko.

(pretty close to the camera's brand, eh?)

and do you have a guess on what i did?

well, let's see if you got it right.

*grins* ^_______^

a chat with the DJ's

awwwwww*
how i wish i have webcam at home.
so the Dj's would chat with me too..

lucky are those panext who have
webcams because they also have the DJs' attention..
*pouts*

anyway.
atleast i get to view brewrats cam.
^_________^*grins*


here are some shots
of Dj tado and DJ ramon~

paranoid, eh?

okay. haircut~
will be moved to idk.when
because something came up.

my tita, just told me we were going
to tagaytay highlands tomorrow.
we set off morning and e don't know what time will be back.

so, the haircut, sacrifice, crying over hair thing,
won't happen tomorrow.

now i'm starting to get paranoid.
maybe. i'm not supposd to have it.
maybe, i'm not really prepared for changes.
for let go-move on due process..

or maybe, it's just plain coincidence.
but. what if i wasn't supposed to have it?
what if, this is a sign?
damn*it.
paranoia srtikes again..

changes??

"everybody's changing while i don't feel the same."

fine. it's not like i'm not changing,
i admit it.
i just don't want to change..
so what?

anyhow, maybe i'll have a few changes.
*gosh* it hurts me to just to think
but i am going to have my hair cut short.

well, i love my hair.
so i'm just gotta weird it out more..
*ugh~

still, i so love my hair.
i don't want to cut it.
you know me.. you know my rules.
heartache=sacrifice.
and that is equivalent to a haircut.

if i get my hair cut,
that means i'm in pain.
and, i'm letting go.
ugh~ i don't want to say why.
or who, or what..
but, i'm letting go of little things.

*sigh*

a personal letter addressed to nobody

"dearest blog,

i just wrote to you.

'cause i'm currently mentally and emotionally unstable.

this past few nights,

i've been feeling bad.

about myself. about my life.

well, it's not like it's a new feeling.

i've always looked down on myself.

and feeling sad is just a daily routine.

but tonight, i don't know.

just before the movie i was watching ended,

i just cried. it's not like its a sad story..

i don't really know why i'm crying.

i know there's a reason.

i just can't figure what its specifically is.

it may have been triggered by one scene.

one subtle, sad scene.

and then, i just broke down.

you may think i'm stupid.

i know. i think so too~

sorry for writing nonsense tonight.

but this crapload, i just can't bear alone.

i wish to feel better.

if not, at least a bit lighter than this deep depression

that is drowning me in.."

*sigh*

raise your banners

hey guys.
i just thoguht maybe you'd like to see
something that i made.

well, it's not something cool.
i just really like these girls so i made a banner
of their group ^^♥

an honest question,,

right now,
i have this question in my mind.
it has kept me awake for a couple of nights.
it isn't some kind of mind-boggling thing.
but it has gotten my curiousity at its height.

you may think it's stupid.
some may think it's easy~
but to me,
i just can't give the exact answer.

maybe it doesn't have any.
maybe the answer has a lot to it.
maybe no one can answer.
maybe everyone will give an anonymous one.

either way.
i just want to put it into words.
but really people...

" how does it feel to be beautiful? "

ADOBE drawings

well. i just wanna share my artworks.
they aren't that good though.
just fine. hahaha xD

actually,

they're kinda LAME.

*laughs*

new face

yes. i just changed my blog's facade.

well, not everything.

just the banner at the top and some colors..

it's no big deal.

i mean, i just thought i wanted to change it..

i mean, update stuff..

*sigh*

well, that's about it.

good mornight people~!!

*yawns*

for you

i wish to bring back the old times.

when we could spend hours together

doing nothing in particular.

just share and waste time together..

how i wish.

but since you already have that special someone.

i guess we can't be that close again.

i guess i'll have to give you more space.

*sigh*

like when you would always talk to me.

PM me in the middle of the night

just so you won't be bored.

we would talk about nonsense til the sun rises again..

and then we'll say our goodnights & prayers.

i could order you to do things for me.

you would always disagree.

but at the end of the day,

you would still do it for me.

but now,

that you have your special someone.

i hold no grudge.

even though you won't be spending time with me anymore.

you won't be as caring as you used to be.

i wish you all the happiness.

i wish you all the love.

i wish you'll never be lonely again.

because i know,

there's nothing more that i can do for you back then

and now, she found you.

she made you whole.

i'm happy ^^-

when are you coming back?

to whom this may concern,

(i know you know who you are)

how i wish you're still here..

please don't be mad.

if you need time to cool down, just tell me.

i'll give you time.

i'll give you space.

i can wait.

but not like this.

you're not even talking to me.

you've been avoiding me for almost a week.

and it sucks.

'cause i don't even know if you're planning to come back

or what..[~~]

how i wish you would.. sooner. or later..

i'm sorry.

you know you're my bestfriend.

and you said i am your bestfriend too.

please, don't leave...

tatagalugin muna kita

kung hindi mo ba ko naiintindihan, iiwanan mo ko?
siguro nga~
bawal lumapit ang weirdong tulad ko sa normal na tulad niyo..

akala ko pa man din,
di mo na ako iiwan. na wala tayong iwanan.

na bestfriends tayo habambuhay.
na alipin kita kahit magkalayo tayo.

tadhana na ngang sigurong hindi ako mapalapit sainyu~
dahil masama ako.
at weirdo. at baliw.

patawad. sobrang patawad.

kainis.

ayoko pa man mawala ka. ayoko kasi mahalaga ka..
pero ano namang magagawa ko diba??

fairytales? uh-uh.

if cinderella had athlete's foot,

would the prince even let her try the glass slipper?

if snow white had pimples all over her face,

would her prince charming try and kiss her?

if rapunzel was really bald,

would the prince risk his life to go up the tower?

if sleeping beauty had crooked teeth,

would her prince kiss her to wake her up from the eternal sleep?

if ariel never had the sweetest enchanting voice,

won't prince eric be bothered by her fish tail?

this is the reality.

a fairytale is just an illusion for ugly peasants like me.

no prince will pay attention to

an infectioned-foot, pimple-faced, bald-headed,

shark-toothed, tone-deaf half-human half-fish creature..

sleep deprivation

warning! sleep deprivation is dangerous to your health.

*laughs*

now look who's talking.

i only got 4hours of sleep yesterday.

well, this morning.

i slept at around 5am..

^__________^

*sigh*

i'm so tired.

michael catsro [patented]

well. he's all mine now.

hahar~ xD

i already have him patented.

so girls, please.. leave him to me.

so i used to be crushing on his brother jason.

what? he's got such beautiful eyes--and err* voice.

but, when i discovered michael castro.

i mean, he's hot.

and he's totally different from his brother.

what the heck?

he's cool. he's handsome.

and he's a great singer with some cocky attitude.

i so love him!! ♥^^

so--hands off y'all~

the wonder girls~♥

the wonder girls~ see?

aren't they cute?

my favorite is So Hee [ahn so hee]

she's the one in the middle.

and she's only 16.

i'm currently learning the lyrics of their songs.

[tell me, irony & nobody]

i've finished memorizing the song "so hot".

and i'm almost finished studying their dance steps~

i really like them~

i've always dreamt of being in a girl group like theirs

*grins*

good morning sunshine~

errrrr*

where the hell is the big 'ol sun?

nice.

the skies are all cloudy.

the clouds are like big blankets in the sky

that hides our warming sun.

anyway, what the heck?

i just woke up. *laughs*

goodmorning y'all~

*yawns*

2:4o am [nonsense]

i don't know why i'm still blogging right now.

i mean, i should be in my room

working on my comics.

(since i just finished the 3rd batch of shirt designs)

*whew*

but, look at me.

i'm here. and, honestly, i don't have anything to say.

(or type.)

i just felt like i have to blog.

or express my thoughts.

gosh* i don't even know

what i'm thinking and i wanna express my thoughts.

(how clever is that?)

and you know what else is clever??

well, let's just say i do have a diary.

you know. a notebook. a hardcopy version of a blog.

and i'm gonna write there after this.

--and i don't have anything to say!

pssh* this is nonsense.

really~ it's funny a person would read this article.

*laughs*

that would really be funny.

can i be a little selfless?

who wouldn't want to have your friends on your lowest low?

when life is down on you and cuts through you.

no one said life is easy. that's why we have them.

when the worst has come,

of course it's comforting to know

that there are people who will never leave your side.

people who will offer a hand even if your hands are dirty.

who will lend a shoulder even if your head is as heavy as the earth.

who will stay beside you even if a hurricane is on its way to you.

my friends are very good people.

they are human and good in nature.

my friends--they are for keeps.

i love them. and i know, they love me too.

sometimes, i feel like i don't deserve them.

but i am outmost selfish--that's why i keep them.

yes. i am not human.

i am no good. i am selfish.

but at times, i want to do good.
i want to save you from the burden i might cause you.

so, if tomorrow, the ground opens up to eat me,

i would love if my friends would be human enough

to stay away from me and save themselves.

still thinking..

so i'm still thinking on the same thing.

what is good? what is right? what is for the best?

i don't know.

my neurons are pretty functional recently.

but i don't know if their working right.

what do you think?

what should i do?

if you were me?

what would you do?

i think i'll have to do more time,

i'm a bum.

so, i ain't studying at the moment.

ain't working at any fast food chain.

but still working,

t-shirt designs, my scrappy comics.

so working.

a bit.

but, because life has been really kind to me.

ugh* irony isn't my forte.

okay. so i ain't having luck for quite some time.

and i think i'll have to do more time being a bum.

*groans*

and if worse comes to worst.

(like this isn't the worst yet, eh?)

i know word leaks out, dirt spills, rumors spread--

i wouldn't want to bring along my friends with me.

especially when i'm going down the drain..

i know i'm no good.

but it's not like i'm a bad influence.

i just think, that i don't want people,

especially their parents think

that their kids are hanging out

with some loser like me.

that might bring in some trouble--

and i don't want to cause anyone any more trouble.

so, i don't know.

maybe, i might cut off communication for time.

i don't know.

i think that's what's best.

what do you think?