i am a C O W A R D

yes. you read that right disregard this idea that you may or may not have formed in your head because of how i conquered things before.

it's true.. i still am a coward.
well, not really. i am now a BIG, FAT COWARD.
there. that's more accurate.






a lot of things happened in the pasts around me..
but to me, none. na-da~ zero. nothing.
i have not grown.. fat, yes. but anything more than that.. nothing.



song of my life: everybody's changing.. and i don't feel the same. =_="

untitled

i was  planning to write about my  graduation  which happened last  monday.

but i guess this has to go first~

 i  decided to read about "women" in elitedaily.com this morning.

opening topics i was curious of or interested in

mostly, about improvement, or realizing beauty and self worth. 

(yes. i know. m'still suffering from low self esteem)

it's a slow difficult therapy. baby steps guys!!

 anyway.

i just thought this  quotation will help me.

(yes. i made it up myself)

especially during dark days~

"people come in different shapes, sizes, color and design.

but in the end, it's just packaging"

:3

to my love, who never left my side.

who always saw me and remind me that m'perfect just the way i am..

thank you love.

never get tired of reminding me that. because it really helps a lot.

the world says no.

a year ago.. (or so)
when i started to think and plan and daydream of my graduation.
i just want to be pretty. even just for one day. just once.

i did everything i can this past school year.
pushing myself to my limits.
to succeed in my studies. and hopefully, mom would allow me to spend a little more for me.
so i can be pretty. just once.

i know m'not pretty. i am weird. m'happy with that.
m'the ugly duckling with a weird quack.
m'okay with that.
but is it that bad to want to pretty for a day?
just one day?

so i asked, can i be pretty on that day?
and the world says "no."

dearest jerome,

2190 days.

'cause all of me loves all you~ ♥

yours until forever,
aya

FINALLY. it is official!

it is now for real..
I MADE IT!

i 'll let you in a secret.. i knew it since tuesday,
(with the help of an OSM friend, gunner)
however, since it hasn't been officially announced,
i didn't want to throw the cat out first.

BUT NOW..

i am so happy.
very very happy!!

i have to admit, i was surprised  i'd get THIS FAR.

i mean, i wanted to go through college and finish it without being noticed then.
but then, i guess my weird and loud personality screams~
that's people knew me.
(or maybe, i was recognized for talent..hm? potential, maybe.)

anyway, it's not time to look down on myself.


BUT REALLY?
oh sheep.
my parents will be so happy.


and HAH!
in your face to all those who thought m'nothing!
PFFT. people judging me for how i dress, how i sit, how i talk.
how i think. how~
HECK.

but really. m'so happy.


(so forgive me if i am ranting nonsense)

ALHAMDULILLAH. 

it's official!

i hate people.
i am a hater.
TSK.

my last semester

YAY!
it all worked out well.
(it better be!)
haha


and now. m'happy to say. m'finally free!

at last!

m'graduating sooooon~ 

graduation picture, emotional torture

i guess i've never told you, about it.

YES,

i take pictures of myself. 
but not as much as others do--not  even close!

but NO.

i hate having my picture taken.

especially the MANDATORY ones.

like this.

oh graduation picture.

why mom wouldn't just let me off the hook?

at the very last minute,
i asked mom if she really wanted me to have
my grad pic taken.
*sigh*

2:00pm
love and i were at relans.

we didn't wait long.
he was approached first~
i waited for a little bit.
they changed my clothes.

i sat infront of the mirror,
removed my piercings one by one.
my hands were trembling a bit.

he started working on my face.
every stroke of brush, every pat of powder
felt heavier on my face.
my hands were tied, and so were my insides.

...

the next thing i know,
i was infront of the camera.
*light flashes strong*
i was blinded every after shot.
(yes, i hate flash)

i don't know how to smile.
my back would arch every after shot.
i couldn't even stay put.

it was an emotional torture.
just as i thought.

UGH.

...

i sat waiting for love.
my hands were clenched on my phone.
all sweaty and itchy.

i felt bad. i felt worse.
i felt like crying.

and as if it wasn't worse already,
a guy from another couch made a snide comment
to his friend.
about wasting the money already paid
for not taking a concept photo.
he even pointed at me!

SERIOUSLY?!
what does he know about me?!
what right does he have to judge me?!
that money isn't even worth the torture i felt.
and would feel if i had another photo taken.

UGH~

m'just glad love was there.

whenever i remember it though,

i still feel like crying.

i feel like i was raped.

UGH~

unexpected

i guess i was always the pessimist.
i was expecting the worst so that i don't get hurt if it doesn't work out.

but it turns out, i did pretty well.
well, somehow, it is what i was really hoping for.
i spent arduous hours and hours and hours
working on my thesis.
 artwork-wise or thesis book-wise.
i don't work halfheartedly on things i've already decided to.

so, anyway.
m'really glad it paid off well.
that my panel (i finally got a good set of jurors)
saw my work, my efforts and skills (and everything else that i put into it)

a 92, a 96, and a 97.



m'happy :]

i think, i have already forgotten how to write.

i think, i have already forgotten how to write.

i think, i have already forgotten how to write.

i think, i have forgotten how to write.

i think, i have forgotten how to write.

i have forgotten how to write.

i have forgotten how to write.

i have forgotten.

i have forgotten.

i.. forgot.

as usual~

money isn't a big thing. philosophically speaking.
it shouldn't be the center of anyone's world.
nor should it be the root of fear, of restrictions, of weakness.

however, right now.
it's what i need.

for my thesis. my requirements completion.
my tuition fee. graduation fee.

an endless list of payments that needs to be settled.


*sigh*

as usual~
i am feeling down because of this.

the most *insert undescribable feeling* field trip ever~

last february 16

was the most *insert undescribable feeling* field trip ever~

waiting and walking.

eyes well-fed.

first time experiences.

beautiful scenery.

bus rides.

tricycle rides.

cold breeze, warm sun.

snuggled sleep.

unending food trip.

stories. laughter.

hugs and cuddles.

his comforting heat.

his soft loving hands.

i am very happy.

i will never forget.

and i still can't move on~

tado jimenez is gone. for real.
i've always wanted to meet him in person.
whether in their dj's booth or in his shop.
but i never went there.
and now i will never meet him.

rest in peace~
you will be missed.

i'd like to stay in this ride

they were sitting right in front of me,

cuddling close despite the low air-conditioning.

she started purring, he softly purred back.

she stopped and fought to hide a smile.

he grinned, and i watch her melt beside him.

surprisingly, i wasn't annoyed.
i was enjoying the scene.

they seem to be very happy~

she is happy.

LUNCHless

it's 5.27 pm on skipp~
and yet, i haven't eaten lunch.
so caught up with editing my storybook (thesis),
and was trying to make it on time so that i could have it printed today.
but still, here i am.. still editing.
(well, typing right now)

honestly, m'so hungry,

but the world doesn't care.

m'hungry.

but i still have sooooo many things to do.

jerome is right.

i always sacrifice myself, my health..

i know it's a bad thing.

but it's my studies, it's my grades.

i didn't run for so long only to slow myself and lose.

why do i think i like this?

why are my priorities just.. *sigh*

sometimes,

i think i don't really know

what's important in my life.

back to reality,

and back to my work.

should i continue on working lunchless?

or should i eat now?

this must be a test, right?

well.
currently, my plates are piling up.
deadlines are clearly crashing and coming together.
and my last days as a college student are numbered.

but seriously, how come other professors are insensitive.
i don't demand for a lot, just pure consideration and understanding.
yet some just keep on being such big SCUMBAGS.

and m'not just any student..
m'not even those who pass subjects questionably.
i fight. i rise. (in short, i get good grades)
and then..i feel like they doubt me, they question me.
(what the heck)

this must be a test, right?
the final ultimate boss of the boss test~

i feel like m'falling apart, like m'crumbling down.
no, it's not just a feeling..
i want to. because m'reaally really tired.


OH.. i just want this to be all over.
(talk about pressure)

PINK VOMIT

this is the second time i vomited PINK.
last time it was because of mcdo's strawberry sundae.
(vomited because i saw a student from beer garden puke)

now. it's pink because of the strawberry stick-o.

puked after coughing hard.


*sigh*

my giant leap..or should i say crawl.

so i told him (love) about it.
my wildest ever dream.
i don't really aim to achieve, but if given a chance..
i really would love to.


the Guggenheim dream.


my solo show, there.
just the idea gives me butterflies~

and unicorns eating the flesh of my stomach..

GOSH.
you just wait for my lovely snails..

anyhow,

so much more to do.
laters~

two thousand and fourteen~

hey there!
i just thought i should blog on the first day of this year.


i am to face a looooooot,
and i hope i get through it..

anyway.
it's a new year!
OSHEEP.
i am excited for everything.
and yes, nervous.

but what happens, happens.
right?

UGH.
enough of nonsense talk.

happy new year self!