(you're) neverwhere.

"neverwhere."

as per spellcheck, there's no such word.

but whenever i read it, i feel like it somehow, means,

"nowhere to be found"

(or so my brain tells me)

and this is the part when anaesthesia was lost.

i wonder,

if the anaesthesia in my life is completely gone as well..

( i sure hope not )

disclaimer: still haven't finished reading this book, and isn't mine.

or is it mine now? :'<

"o n i g i r i ~" says the hamster

i told myself before, that i would write an entry about you—because you have marked my life. you’ve been really nice, and kind, and caring.. and because you have always been there for me, to lend your virtual ears to listen to me rant, your virtual shoulders when I am to cry—your SELF, when i need someone.

but i never got the chance.

and i can’t believe that it is only now that I could say some of the points that I appreciate about you. now when everything’s worse than the usual blur.

i want you to know, that m’very much thankful for those nonstop conversations we had. and your fair judgment over the things i tell you about. and your optismistic eye on every down low i had.

and how I so wish we never had to stop.

and m’very sorry. sorry if you broke your 5-year wall because of me. sorry because you had to be in this unstoppable rollercoaster ride because of me. sorry if i wasn’t able to really make time for us to talk—i tried, honestly, maybe you just didn’t see.

what i hope for, is probably more than too much to ask for:

but i still hope that we can be friends, someday.

and i can’t help but still think and worry about you.

and be guilty of whatever happens to you

(although, i can hear you in my head, telling me not to, is that weird?)

thank you for everything.

for every single and little thing.

and m’sorry, because i can’t be more than just your broken routine.

PS: you’re kind, you’re smart, you’re talented, you’re cute as an onigiri—you’re everything a person can ask for (and more). it’s just, maybe, m’not the one for you.

be happy, like your usual  o n i g i r i  happy.

and m’just here, scurrying around, like the  h a m st e r  you see of me.

pierc'd mi eighth

got mi the sixth to eighth 

two more piercings.

make holes a li'l bigger.

let wounds heal.

and then i'll be able to sew you up.

- - - - -

BLOG #6: Of Silenced Words and Claustrophobia

“Self-Contained”

Installation gone Performance Art

            The concept is all about TNT’s—the unstoppable rising number of Filipinos finding their ways into countries without legal permission. Doraemon’s door transformed to a hallway version made out of newspaper *security guards enters the scene and blows the whistle* (WHAT?!)

            Some students were cooperative, some were even really interested that they approached us to ask about our work (while the guards were all kill joys and inconsiderate.) They shared their insights about TNT, how it is not right to continue on flying overseas without legal papers; how it endangers themselves even more. And some shared even more. Their personal experiences, of being self contained—of being not able to express oneself. A gay guy who locks himself up in his room because his (or is it her) father doesn't approve of his preference. She, who feels self-contained in the wrong body, a man’s body. Another gay guy who felt like an intruder when he entered IARFA after spending so much time being bound by academics since high school. A pro-active guy who seems to want to try everything, and yet is being restrained by his parents from doing extra-curricular activities for having low grades for a semester.

            I know how it feels like to be self-contained—to be not able to express myself.

It makes you want to go berserk and scream for freedom.

            And as for our piece, our  “mobile installation”, I wanted to experience the same thing as he did. I wanted to volunteer. But then again, I cannot. All of us experienced it first-hand that very day. This  is how it feels to be an FEU student. 

[ Claustrophobic. ]

imperfect. not so perfect

people can't expect me to be:
kind, friendly, open, available, nice, presentable, approachable, helping, understanding, caring, attentive, smart
(and every positive adjective there is) 24/7—that is not me.

but i try.

and i strive~