30 December 2013

LEGIT.





after 4 years (and more)
i have finally gone to a salon for
a legitimate haircut.

YES.
after i had my blonde dyed brown last 23, 
i trimmed my dead ends come 24th.
and it was okaaaay~

but since i am graduating, i decided to get professional help,
and fix the ends and layers.

and m'so relieved it was totally worth it.

i mean, i grew up hating salon people.
i have trauma from childhood memories of going to salon.
that's why i've been cutting my own hair since 2009.
HAHA.

SHEESH..
what graduation does to me.
PRESSURE not only in my studies but in appearance too.
i don't want anyone kicking me
for looking like the psycho i usually am on such occasion.

23 December 2013

definitely not a blondie.


all efforts in, for the past 2 days.


YAY for no more namecalling me blondie!
graduation preparation?
hah

nodes, lymphnodes.

DAY 1:
18 decemeber 2o13, wednesday.

around 12 midnight or so~
(first) i found one; behind my left ear 

by morning.
around 9 or 10 am.
(second) i found another one next to the 1st; again, behind my left ear

DAY 2:
19 december 2o13, thursday.

around 11pm or almost 12mn of 20th
(third) a big circular node, an inch in diameter, under my chin.

DAY 3:
20 december 2o13, friday.

the two behind my ear were subsiding,
but the one in my chin still ever.so.present

DAY 4:
21 december 2o13, saturday.

around 8 or 9 am in the morning~
(fourth and fifth) two are growing behind my right ear.

by and 11am
(sixth) i detetcted a small one on the left part of my neck.

headache on and off. must be just the weather.
or the huge number of people surrounding me these past few days.
i don't know.
why my lymphnodes are swelling, i don't know either.
everything is UNKNOWN.

i have to get well, SOON.
i need a check up soon.
everyone is worried..or is it just me?


15 December 2013

WARMER. blood rushing to my..


CHEEKS.
no, wait, ears.
UGH~ it doesn't matter!

i am happy
very.

i am noticing things.
CHANGES
in both of us, but more on him.
and i am liking it.

and i am happy.
very.

he is warmer than he was almost a year ago.
this makes me happy.
very happy.

13 December 2013

i say "whatever"


it's been a while since i last wrote here.
i have experienced several urges to write the past days,
but m'too busy.

 but today is just..UGH.
so here it goes~


m'on my last semester. 3-4 months and i am graduating.
OYES. finally.

and there are these hassles:
 requirements, graduation application, payments to be made.
 and there's that
GRADUATION PICTURE weighing heavy on my shoulder.

you should know how
i've always hated having my photo taken.
it never comes out okay. (that's why i opt to make face in my photos)
so anyway, i really hate them. ever since.


i have thrown several loads of tantrums to my parents, my relatives and siblings
 whenever they ask me to smile for a photo. UGH~ and my tantrums, are really bad.


and so, today..is our scheduled graduation picture taking.
and
i am in no mood to have it taken.
not when m'stressed out, busy, frantic even~
not when m'bound by grave requirements.


why does people care so much about it?
it's not like you cannot finish college without yer graduation picture.

let me just put it this way,

PLATES before PICTURE.

see, i can graduate without that photo.
what i cannot graduate from is lacking plates, my requirements.
especially when m'aiming for an award.

so there goes my priority.
so m'sorry if i don't give a *insert bad word here* for that graduation picture.

if only i would go up the stage without an unwanted photo of a forced smile,
i would really be having the time of my life.


so spare me all those rants you guys all have.
call it my pride, my ego, whatever~
but i say,

"WHATEVER."

03 December 2013

UPDATES on me

well, missed jogging for the past 2 weeks and m'back at 55~
*sigh*
i should really get serious on it. it's just..requirements piling up.
video art, thesis left and right. plates. quizzes.

but i can't give up.
NOT NOW.

not when i know i am in the running.
and i have a big chance of getting magna cumlaude,
i have to make it work!

FIGHTING.

11 November 2013

IT'S ON~



oh~
it is sooooo ON!


f i g h t.
f o c u s.

it won't be easy.
it's never easy.

but i can make it.
INSHALLAH.


25 October 2013

last thursday, 24th of october
around 2.33-2.34 am

 we took a vow.


219o.

22 September 2013

september 22nd. daylight.

the monsters have taken over the city

somehow,
i'm still alive.



WOAH~
scratch that.
(excerpt from resident evil, i think?)
plus it was the 28th!!


it's sunday, and m'still sick.



DEAR SELF,
PLEASE GET WELL SOON.


29 August 2013

cat got my tongue





and again,
i accidentally bit my already weird tongue
while eating my cold breakfast.

i examined it and a teeny bit part was cut off again
(probably a a fungiform papillae--which contains an average of six taste buds inside;
good bye taste buds..)

sore and swollen right now.

26 August 2013

r e s t r a i n e d ?


today, i got my retainers.
can't tell if m'missing 's' or there's an excess, hah.
and right now, m'supposed to work on my thesis.

but here i am
writing nonsense
.

or is it really?


i feel like
eggrolling the night away.
maybe it's because i saw her, finally.
and i was caught off guard.
somehow, i can't get it off o'my head.


(did i mention how pretty she is?

she is..indeed..very pretty)


i remembered something that happened earlier this month.

i remembered.
and i remembered how i felt.
unsure of what i really felt.
was i really blank? or was i feeling everything all at once.

i can't really tell it then~ and so can't i now.


so why am i writing?

he is asleep, my love is asleep,
and i didn't want to be keeping him up with all these nonsense in my head.


but seriously, what are the things keeping me up.
keeping me unproductive.



1.
pain, that's a big one.
physical, yes, my teeth are torturing me.
and my tongue is feeling quite restless,
..which is weird, and not to mention very annoying.

2-3.
nervous and uneasy, why?
thesis, defense, personal matters and what not.

4.
craving.
oh yes, i am craving. for things. for food.
for warmth; for a hug.

5-infinity.
paranoia. low self-esteem. lack of confidence
oh my insecurities, why do you resurface now?
(although, sometimes, he'd reassure me, so i wouldn't feel like this.
if only he would, every now and then, m'sure it'll help me. long-term wise)
*sigh* affirmation.


ash: then why don't you tell him that?! why can't we tell him that?


aya: because i think it's not in his nature. because m'afraid of what'll happen again.
you remember what happened the last time we spoke our mind.
we lost it. we lost it. and we threw a punch or two in the wall (or three.)


aya & ash: *sigh*

anyway. i guess there's not much to say now.


END


24 August 2013

another random post



but before i start, i would just like to say.
that the title of the post before this, has nothing to do with the post itself.
i don't know why it came out like that--i was writing through blacksheep.
(blacksheep is my phone)



anyway, i am working on my vismer plate,
waiting for the paint to dry.
i can't help but watch how mawron sleeps next to me.

i can't wait to watch how he'll look like when he sleeps next to me.
2 1 9 o days




23 August 2013


this a very random post.
i just want him know how much
i love him.
and i will hold his hand
whatever happens.
and i promise not to give up.
because i can't, just can't.

22 July 2013

possessive little miss?


okay.
so maybe m'not so little.

but yes.

m'very possessive.


you are mine.
mine only.
and i am yours.
all yours. yours only.

18 July 2013

missing

i miss reading yer thoughts.
you have not been writing for quite some time.

i miss reading yer thoughts.

16 July 2013

many firsts; memorable sunday.



first time i saw a real firefly.

 and i thank my love for catching one;
 finally seen one up close.
very d r e a m y.



first time to laugh at a lizard (not get scared).
 he was trying to catch the butterfly,
 and then he fell on the floor.
very f u n n y.



first time
to meet his parents.

 i hope they like me.
because i like them already.
very h a p p y.


04 July 2013

b a b y s t e p s



i am taking things
                     
               o
                                      n
                                        e
                                          s
                                            t
                                              e
                                                p
                                                  at a time.

25 June 2013

BURGER BAR



i asked a friend, to eat in burger bar so i can take pictures of it.
(and no, i will not post the pictures of the food here;
i need it for a menu i will be designing)
anyway, he still treated us
(yes, i brought along my sister, even if it'll be awkward,
sooorry..)
and so we ate.
took pictures after.
the solo shot above, it doesnt look like me, eh?
but it's "saktong cute".




23 June 2013

an open letter to myself


dear aya,

stop wishing. start moving.

DO SOMETHING.


yours til the m&m's melt in yer hand,
aya

21 June 2013

in RED for so long..i need to go GREEN.


i was reading stuff the other night,
     my stuff.
and then it hit me~

how come i've stopped myself?

he would ask me every now and then.
i never absorbed the question..
until now.

why did i stop?

from writing, from drawing, from painting, from learning, from pushing myself.
i would always tell myself,

"studies first. i need to focus and graduate, and then i'll do it again"

why haven't i found time to do it?
how come other people can juggle everything?
oh, right.
[ i am too afraid of failing, of failure, of disappointment. ]

i envy people who have guts.
who have courage to risk it.
who have the strength to push themselves.


what is wrong with me?


i have been in under the red light for so long.
i have to change it to green, and start moving.

20 June 2013

red nyan




" |3 "

i stopped attempting to doing the fire.
(mom got i bad since it requires me to color it every now & then)
anyway,
so i colored my hair
red.
waiting for it to
pink.


" :3 "


18 June 2013

happy other father's day


as usual, i made this card for my super bestfriend, doodle.

to greet him.
to congratulate him.
and to express my support and joy
that finally, now, he is happy.

my doodle is happy.


he hasn't seen this yet.
a week later after the father's day when he'll receive this.
i hope he'll like it
.




PS:


i was to write to my beloved too.

it'll be my first hand written letter to him,but i wasn't quite sure what to say.

and so i haven't made it yet.

i want it to be special.something i've never done for anyone else before.
i want it to be memorable.


so m'sorry love,
if i haven't given you a letter yet.
you just wait~


i am a snail.


yes, they are indeed cute.
and lately, since it's the rainy season,
i have been encountering several snails.

and they're not just any snail.
some, are really BIG.


like this guy from our frontyard.

and this other guy in ortigas



i hope they survive long and live happy.

18 May 2013

FIRE: it was OSM and then..


so my first attempt of FIRE :3
cute right?


it faded into pink.
so i dyed it red again.
well, my sister did, but she wasn't happy and was hurrying.
so i forgot to protect my ombre ends.
OHNO
.__.

had to cut my ends..broken beyond repair
from attempt to bleaching it blonde.


red head til it fades.
will attempt to set it on fire..soon.


30 April 2013

bleached to a LION :3



so. i bleached my hair.
in preparation for that red that i wanted.

first day, spent in school.
looks tolerable with those
cat ears.

i feel like m'cosplaying though~ tsk.

hoping to go red soon.

ROAR~

09 April 2013

h e a l i n g.



h e a l i n g.

and in time, i can again.
and i will.





08 April 2013

pierced betrayal.


and so my sixth to eighth had betrayed me.

for more than 2 weeks, the swelling is lessened and redness has faded.
and then i fell asleep resting on my left for a night or two.


1                              2                              3                                4                               5                              6


last wednesday, 3rd of april,
(photo1)
it started aching and swelling.
a lymph node at the back of my left ear.

by thursday , the 4th,
it was red and swelling bad.
and there were 2 lymph nodes already.
loosened the piercings a bit, but the sixth hurt like hell.

friday morning, i decided to check on it.
as i removed the 6th, i saw a gaping hole.
(photo2)
the piercing has burned through my skin.
reaction to my allergy to the cheap metal,
PLUS allergy to my own sweat
PLUS the heat.
removed the 6th, and checked the rest.
they looked fine and went on with my life.

by night, i checked on the 7th.
it has burned a hole too.
(photo3)
decided to remove it along with the eighth,
even though it looked fine.
fearing it would do the same, sooner or later.
(photo4)

saturday night, the 6th of april,
after swimming in the beach for the day,
i checked it.
(photo5)
glad to have seen a lot of recovery.
(even without taking antibiotics)

cleaned it up nice
(photo6)
and changed the dressing before going to sleep.


PS:
will still try to do it once everything has healed.
a minimum of 6months,
and this time, i won't settle for cheap stops.
and will take each pierce, ONE AT A TIME.
(with an interval of probably 3months each)


27 March 2013

(you're) neverwhere.


"neverwhere."

as per spellcheck, there's no such word.
but whenever i read it, i feel like it somehow, means,

"nowhere to be found"
(or so my brain tells me)


and this is the part when anaesthesia was lost.

i wonder,
if the anaesthesia in my life is completely gone as well..
( i sure hope not )


disclaimer: still haven't finished reading this book, and isn't mine.
or is it mine now? :'<



"o n i g i r i ~" says the hamster


i told myself before, that i would write an entry about you—because you have marked my life. you’ve been really nice, and kind, and caring.. and because you have always been there for me, to lend your virtual ears to listen to me rant, your virtual shoulders when I am to cry—your SELF, when i need someone.

but i never got the chance.

and i can’t believe that it is only now that I could say some of the points that I appreciate about you. now when everything’s worse than the usual blur.

i want you to know, that m’very much thankful for those nonstop conversations we had. and your fair judgment over the things i tell you about. and your optismistic eye on every down low i had.
and how I so wish we never had to stop.

and m’very sorry. sorry if you broke your 5-year wall because of me. sorry because you had to be in this unstoppable rollercoaster ride because of me. sorry if i wasn’t able to really make time for us to talk—i tried, honestly, maybe you just didn’t see.

what i hope for, is probably more than too much to ask for:
but i still hope that we can be friends, someday.

and i can’t help but still think and worry about you.
and be guilty of whatever happens to you
(although, i can hear you in my head, telling me not to, is that weird?)

thank you for everything.
for every single and little thing.
and m’sorry, because i can’t be more than just your broken routine.


PS: you’re kind, you’re smart, you’re talented, you’re cute as an onigiri—you’re everything a person can ask for (and more). it’s just, maybe, m’not the one for you.

be happy, like your usual  o n i g i r i  happy.
and m’just here, scurrying around, like the  h a m st e r  you see of me.

18 March 2013

pierc'd mi eighth


got mi the sixth to eighth 

two more piercings.
make holes a li'l bigger.
let wounds heal.

and then i'll be able to sew you up.


- - - - -


BLOG #6: Of Silenced Words and Claustrophobia




“Self-Contained”
Installation gone Performance Art


            The concept is all about TNT’s—the unstoppable rising number of Filipinos finding their ways into countries without legal permission. Doraemon’s door transformed to a hallway version made out of newspaper *security guards enters the scene and blows the whistle* (WHAT?!)

            Some students were cooperative, some were even really interested that they approached us to ask about our work (while the guards were all kill joys and inconsiderate.) They shared their insights about TNT, how it is not right to continue on flying overseas without legal papers; how it endangers themselves even more. And some shared even more. Their personal experiences, of being self contained—of being not able to express oneself. A gay guy who locks himself up in his room because his (or is it her) father doesn't approve of his preference. She, who feels self-contained in the wrong body, a man’s body. Another gay guy who felt like an intruder when he entered IARFA after spending so much time being bound by academics since high school. A pro-active guy who seems to want to try everything, and yet is being restrained by his parents from doing extra-curricular activities for having low grades for a semester.

            I know how it feels like to be self-contained—to be not able to express myself.
It makes you want to go berserk and scream for freedom.

            And as for our piece, our  “mobile installation”, I wanted to experience the same thing as he did. I wanted to volunteer. But then again, I cannot. All of us experienced it first-hand that very day. This  is how it feels to be an FEU student. 
[ Claustrophobic. ]


10 March 2013

imperfect. not so perfect


people can't expect me to be:
kind, friendly, open, available, nice, presentable, approachable, helping, understanding, caring, attentive, smart
(and every positive adjective there is) 24/7—
that is not me.


but i try.
and i strive~

28 February 2013

i was..


 ..mad,
       annoyed,
           stressed out

                altogether
                     that 22nd night of february.


palpitate.


 my heart ached;               
i slept.   

18 February 2013

it means so much more now~




funny how something meant no more than being open to new friendships.
it was for a wall flower, waiting for the right time to bloom.

and now,
it does seem like it means so much more.
how it somewhat says what our story is for now;
 as we wait for the future to unfold.



untimely


c
an't i stay here for a little while longer?

i don't want to turn left.
 nor right.


it's not yet time.


13 February 2013

apology accepted?



and since m'not sure whether m'bored, or just tired of writing, or feeling gay,
i grabbed the iron and curled my hair.

i apologize.



apology accepted?

BLOG #5: Of Spoken Ideas without Speaking




Mother’s Revenge
by Jose Rizal

Rizal’s terra cotta sculpture of a mother dog on top of a crocodile, biting its stone-hard scaly back, to revenge her puppy is one of the pieces that screams Feminism to me. But at the same time, it shows Marxism. Well, as for me.

Finally, the oppressed has been able to fight back to its oppressor. Her uttermost power—her strength and courage, dominates in this sculpture. Although the oppressor, the crocodile, still had the puppy in its mouth, I view it as a weakling as suggested by its position.

As a mother, one would do anything, everything for her children. Not fearing for her own life, she risks it to revenge her puppy, her poor, bitten and probably dead puppy.





Parisian Life
by Juan Luna

When I saw this painting of Juan Luna, I feel like it communicated to me as a take on Feminism. Not only because its subject is of a French woman, but also because of how it is composed.

The woman sits carelessly on the couch with her arms positioned away from her, something that could be perceived as unladylike of her. And this fact may have not mattered, because by looking at her face, it is still all calm. In front of her, a half-empty (or half-full, if you are to see it that way) glass sits on the table, suggesting that she may have already been drinking. Inches from her, (maybe even a foot or two), a gentleman’s hat rests on a cloth or maybe an inside-out coat (I can’t tell). From afar, three gentlemen sit, probably having a conversation about her, admiring her beauty or insecure of her dominating presence.

With today’s society, I’m not sure how people view women of today. Are we still that conservative? Or are we now more carefree? But I do know that women nowadays strive to be more independent, to have their own identity and to prove to the world that we are equally as strong, determined and dexterous, as men are.





The Basi Revolt Series XIII” (The four insurgent leaders are hanged.)
by: Esteban Villanueva

E. Villanueva’s series of oil paintings depicting the Basi Revolt during 1807 takes its audience to a different period of time. I have come to consider that this series says of Post-Colonialism as well as Marxism.

From what I’ve learned about these paintings (well, I only posted one for this entry), the artist painted this 14 years after the said revolt.  The rebellion started in Ilocos because the Spanish colonizers started to ban their traditional wine which is the Basi. However, the colonial forces won and this is one of the many brutal ways they punished their Filipino captives. The leaders were hanged, some scourged to death, some decapitated.

With all honesty, the artist naif style in painting doesn’t really impress me. His rendering of colors, well, it’s okay. But what’s really astonishing is how he was able to capture and express the historical event with so much attention to details and elements on each scene taking into consideration that he was only 10 years old when the revolt happened.

After being colonized, Filipinos have really developed and strengthen their nationalism. However, it is undeniable that we have been influenced by our colonizers in some ways. Even on the artist’s portrayal of the cloudy sky in some of the paintings, it shows the influence from Chinese Art.

As per Marxism, this painting shows the defeat of the “insurgents” or the rebels and once again, the oppressor had taken control of the land. What’s new society? Tell me. Today, we are shushed by so many governing bodies. Take RA 10175—when do we get to talk again? And if we fight for our rights, what will we get in return? 5 to 10 years of imprisonment; in line with murderers and rapists? Should I have done the same thing then?



PS: must I apologize for the delay of my entry.