HIGH.DROWN [part o.3]

" i felt like a superhero--doing things that was fo0r the greater good.
even if it means getting hurt. pain never stopped a hero from doing what is right.
no time to be selfish. no option that says: myself.
but in reality, there is.
ONLY, it will cost the last drop of goodness in me--
so, i was torn. do i choose to be stupid but good? or selfish? "

it was two days after that 17th, and i felt swollen from the beating,
bloated from the drowning--emptied and numb. i wanted to tell doodleDÖ
about everything. but unfortunately, he wasn't available. and only "the guy"
is replying to my text messages. so, we talked. about me & my problem, my pain~

he got curious over who is the guy. but of course, as much as my heart
wanted to scream out his name with love, i couldn't. i can't just text him & say:
"actually~ it's you. you are "the guy" i have fallen for." *pssh*

as the night went deeper, we got into more details.
he even tried to convince me to tell him who the guy is. and he advised that
i should admit it to "the guy"--that in love, we take risks. but of course,
i negated him. telling him that the guy is a friend, and i don't want to risk our friendship~
plus, i know he likes somebody else. & in the end, i've decided to just hide it & let it pass~
(if, it will pass---)

the next day, i went online. used YM but stayed invisible to all..
he signed out. i logged in under a status message saying:
"i never realized i have fallen for you. & you wouldn't too. coz i'll never say 'i love you'~"
i was chatting with some friends when he signed back. and the idea that he might read it, didn't occur so i didn't changed my stat. until he PM'd me. commenting on my stat message..
& that's where our conversation started.

after blogging my HIGH.DROWN part o.1~ i logged out.
and around 5:33pm, i received a text message from "the guy" saying:
"sometimes, you find it hard to tell someone about your feelings,
until you realize that your actions have betrayed you."

*WHAM~!
it hit me. was it a group message? i don't know.
wait* i don't care? he knew. right? he acknowledged my feelings..
he knew, that i have fallen for him.............right?

BAKA=PABO=IDIOT=me T~T

WHY AM I STUPID?

oh wait~ i shouldn’t ask myself.
of course i woudn’t be able to answer coz i am stupid.ö
*pssh*

i shoudn’t have let people get close to me as this.
shouldn’t have let them enter my inner bubble T^T
stupid stupid me. *ugh*

i have become weaker because of this.
and it makes me vulnerable to pain and guilt and jealousy~

why do i always tend to make them important–
when they would always take me for granted?
why do they mean so much to me,
when i’m no one to them?!

it breaks my heart.
but if i want to complete my broken self,
i’ll have to let go of them all.
and, start from none..

HIGH.DROWN [part o.2]

"it felt like the jeep came to a sudden stop
and made me hit my head on some metal bars.
and as if it wasn't painful enough,
the ride's roof fell on my head cracking my skull open--releasing its emptiness.
and just like another combo attack,
it ended with a marvelous hit coming from a raging truck behind us.
--and i died"

or so i wish.
i was cut by every word. with laughing intervals
and notes of joy.
they we're both giddy about the topic.

i painted my happy mask
trying to conceal the anguish on my face.
did i do well?
i wish i did as i burned in hell.

the subdivision came in sight.
it felt like an empty heaven--a place to hide.
as a friend and i got off the jeep.
he stabbed me with a joke.
i tried to laugh it out.
but it sounded like a cough.
(i even imagined blood spurting out my mouth.. )

when i got home,
i felt empty. tonight was overwhelmingly killing me.
i knew it--that's why i feared happiness.
'cause i knew, in an instant,
reality will slap me in the face.