you are consistently failing..
at almost everything?
that's what it's like for me.
i try so hard to do good..
and then all the rest falls apart.
i feel like m'always a failure.
in almost everything.
i fail myself.
m'a failure as a catmother.
m'a big failure.
that.. sometimes..
i wonder..
why do i still even try~
day 14:
it's been two weeks.
and i just miss you even more.
bleeding. literally. figuratively.
maybe people are right.
m'too emotional. too melancholic.
exhausting to be around.
but it hurts when people
make me feel that my feelings are invalid.
that m'not supposed to hurt.
m'not supposed to be feeling this and that.
i miss having to be able to pour on you.
amd then you'd explain and make me understand.
and reassure me that it's ocake to be unocake.
m'too weak.
and it feels like no matter how hard i try.
m'not going anywhere.
that m'not getting any better.
and i miss when i tell you my pains.
and you remind me to take it slow.
to do things at my own pace and that it'll be okay.
i miss you j.
i miss my best friend.
and slept through almost the entire day.
add the fact that m'suffering because of dysmenorhea
so yea..m'basically bedridden.
i did nothing but attempt to paint
and get through another day.
i miss. so bad.
day13.
today is another day to try again at life.
a friend and i attended a client meeting at laguna
and checked out the site.
a new challenge.
and accepting it with open arms.
we really do hope we get the job.
we got back to early so we decided to walk.
we then hurried under pouring rain
to meet our the last third of our trio.
we started roughly planning in a cafe.
as she ate her mini lunch
and i kept on my project, scribbling away.
i miss sharing these baby steps in life with you.
i miss sharing things with you.
i miss L I F E with you.
i can't say m'odoing well. but m'moving, i guess.
everyday is another try again.
but i really do miss you.
i really do.
the day went by as i slumber deep.
i was with him in my dreams,
i didn't want to leave.
it was already past 3 when i got off the bed.
everything was quiet and dark,
the street's electricity was dead.
it was the power line sparking again.
and right when it sanked in to me,
i started having a panic attack just like then.
i can feel it kicking in slowly,
my heart was pounding out of my chest.
i didn't know what to do with myself.
i wanted to run to him.
i wanted to be in my safe place.
but i couldn't..
and i don't know if i could..
i forced myself to pray.
and let all the tears run down in my bow.
after which i was calm.
but.. a few hours later,
here it was again. storming in my head.
my depression kicking me this time.
this time it's not of him.
but the feeling of never have done anything right.
of all the efforts i try, it's never nough.
maybe m'never enough..
and i wanted to be in my safe place.
2 hits in one day..
i don't know what else can i do..
i feel like m'just floating everyday..
it was my first time to go to a laundry place.
we all needed to do our laundry,
& the weather hasn't been cooperative for days now.
i told myself m'gonna get some drawings done;
bringing along with me my notebooks and pencil case.
i didn't know that it wouldn't take too long.
needless to say, i kind of enjoyed watching my clothes
go tumble in the wash. tumble again, and dry.
i wanted to share my experience with him.
but m'too afraid too be rejected yet again.
so i just watched them all tumble.
and today is day 10.
F.R.I.E.N.D.S. you love that show.
i was contemplating if i should play it.
but i miss you dearly.. so i did.
and i listened to it intently,
like you said last march. to listen to it carefully.
and so i did. this time with unbiased ears.
i didnt cry. but..
i missed you more.
you are my bestest friend of all.
i missed you even more.
ps. i now own the uke.
mia was selling it yestersay. i told her not to.
but i was surprised to see it on her timeline.
i tried to scare them all away.
but she insisted she needwd the money.
in the end, tita ella bought it for me.
that's nice depsite me being bad at it.
i was happy earlier.
can't be sure how deep it ran inside me,
but i was.
you see..
my nbi clearance showed clear.
no more hit.
remember a year and a month ago?
i felt so bad that i had a hit.
and they said someone has my name.
i really felt bad that time.
well, it showed clear now.
so, it's good. made me feel good.
add the fact that i had a decent photo,
wherein i didn't look like a criminal.
(which is rare.. this must be a first)
and as the sun set, m'like..
i wish i could share it to you first.
i always wanted to share these things to you first.
i miss you je ro me.
i woke up to prolonged chest pains
and numbing of my arms, legs and feet
yet again.
it's day 7.
seven days since i last heard from you.
i try hard not to replay yer words
and in my head.
i try hard not to bother you
in this solitude you've asked for.
but i yearn for yer warmth.
i stayed in bed as i wait for everything to subside.
and until i find the will to try again.
ps. i miss you.
you know where to find me, right?
i may have exhausted all my fake happy yesterday.
coz my body is feeling sore and numb in most parts when i woke up today.
i wonder if it gets easier..
today is yet another attempt to do something in life.
m'moving about. but m'not moving on.
it was yet another meeting;
accompanying a friend who refered me to this job.
she was broken too.
we were both broken.. breaking.
but we try so hard to push through.
we both needed this day off.
i told myself m'gonna push myself harder.
and look at me now?
more useless than ever..
it feels like m'back to zero.
that all the efforts i've done for myself
have all been but a waste.
and this is day 4.
being and feeling useless.
#heyJ ..how?
how do i get through another day without you?
it's so hard and painful.
tbh, i dont want to learn how to..
why can't we start it over..?
why can't we just try again..?
i want to respect yer needs,
and m'really trying so hard.
m'trying really hard because i love you.
but it's so fvcking hard.
m'just breaking apart even more..
but i'll still try..
day 3..
numb and pain.
it baffles me how one can feel so much pain
and feel so numb at the same time.
how?
and gift you the ORANGE book.
but, the day has just started..
and you've decided to cut me out of yer life.
so today..
today is the day i die.
